and i know you couldve said this to me face front or with a name instead of hiding behind a silly little computer my friend :)
we know you post your own ask me anythings
aw you are such a beautiful person sana, inside and out. it's so nice to keep up with your posts since your traveling days I feel like I'm watching you grow as a person on your journey. god bless you babygirl, you are going to go places and I wish you nothing but the best for someone so inspirational and strong like you.
i’m tryingg to put a name to who this couldd be, but thank you so so much, this really does mean a lot
i know i’m really on and off with my blogging, and i probably start every post like this, but i really like coming back to this here and there. i’ve been going back through this blog again and everything ive written (my procrastination techniques) and it just like truly fascinates me how much i’ve grown as a person just by blogging my experiences/travels/feelings what not. i really have been meaning to start writing again
i don’t really know what it is about turning 20, or if it’s just me overthinking the whole you’re not a teenager anymore, but i truly feel like i’ve had to grow up overnight ever since my 20th birthday last year. junior year and just everything about this year in general have gotten so real, it’s almost overwhelming.
i’ve found that growing up means a lot of things. i know my parents used to keep warning me about how much i’m going to appreciate everything in my life once i grew up, but i never truly grasped that concept until it happened. i’m starting to appreciate the smallest of things i used to overlook, learning to accept defeat, learning that sucess comes from obstacles and that sometimes, it’s okay to be a little hurt because that’s just how you learn. i’ve grown distant from a lot of people who i used to be SO SO close to and for the first time in a very long time i can finally stand on my two feet and say that i am completely and utterly okay with this. i’m not hurt, i’m not sad, i’m not upset, i just know that this is a part of growing up. i have lost touch with a lot of people, and with some of them, it truly did feel like a punch in the stomach, but you know what? it’s okay. this is all okay. i’ve shared some great memories with some great people but friendship’s always going to be a two way street. i dont need the people in my life who don’t need me and for the first time in my life i think i have finally accepted this. the hardest part of growing up is letting go of what you’re used to and moving on with something you’re not. i know it all sounds so cliche with all this “seeing who’s there and seeing who’s not” business, but i never really realized how real this actually is. it hurt a lot to close that chapter of my life and sort of say goodbye to the people of my past, but at the same time i’ve developed new friendships and new relationships of which i would not be standing here today without. good things really do fall apart for better things to fall together.
i feel like i’m also at a point where i’ve never been closer to my family. I kill for car rides with my mom, dad and sister, I’d do anything nowadays to spend those 3 hours with my family at the movie theatre to catch that indian movie, I try to go home more often just to sit on the couch and spend time with them, I hold onto these moments longer. I look back and I truly feel horrible about all the lost time fighting with them or arguing with them or hanging up the phone on them or just point blank not appreciating the kind of family i have. But i guess that’s also a part of growing up right? I know mom used to keep telling me during our fights that one day i’m going to look back and appreciate everything she’s done for me and I think I really have come to that day. I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not been for my family, and I just want them to know how much I love them and appreciate them, just struggling a little with expressing this.
I’m truly learning how to master this sort of art of growing up, and boy has it been one hell of a process. There’s a lot of falling and getting back up, but i think i’ve finally learned to handle it well. I’m truly blessed for the things I have in my life from my friends to my family to my school to my career to everything. I feel like I’m at a point in my life where things are starting to really real, where petty drama shouldnt happen anymore, where i have a career to build and a life to actually plan out. I’ve made a lot of past mistakes but I’m learning that those mistakes are what taught me to be who I am today. Yeah growing up really does suck, but it’s really shaping the person I am today and I’m finally okay with it. I still have a really long way to go, but one step at a time :) I know I’m confident and strong enough to get through it.
I just want to make my family really proud of me. And I promise one day, I will get there.
Sanaya, you quite literally are the most inspirational person that I remember meeting. I was your camper at HHSC for two years, and you're so perfect I can't even explain it. You would make us feel comfortable and most of all, equal. You're sister and her friends were such a clique that I didn't know if you would be the same way. And you are equally as popular, except you would always make an effort to include us. I sincerely missed you at camp, and hope you go places. I know you will. Fly high.
awww this is super sweet. i know this reply may be so late, but i havent been on here in so long. thank you so much though, im always here :)
ps i am by no means a spoiled brat, but i absolutely cannot wait :)
1) my bed
2) a shower where I don’t have to flush to get pressure
3) hot water
3) my car
4) my sister
5) mom and dad
6) fresh clean air I can actually breathe
7) cars not honking every 5 seconds
8) dunkin donuts
9) parkway coffee
10) NYC cabs
11) big roads
12) no speed bumps everywhere
13) a good American breakfast, no rotis and parathas in the morning
14) 32 degree froyo
15) my couch and my snuggie
16) people who will actually say I’m sorry or excuse me
17) no more perverts on the street
18) food that won’t give me stomach infections
19) disciplined trains
20) brunches in NYC
21) no rain
22) my amazing friends
23) NYC bars and clubs
24) summer evenings on my deck with some BBQ
25) clean beaches
26) continental/fusion food that’s actually food of a different culture without Indian masalas mixed in them
27) mummy’s home food
28) REAL house parties
29) good beer
30) happy hour
31) climate that appreciates my hair
32) the confidence of wearing shorts without any fear
33) taco bell and chipotle
34) American radio
35) euphorek ada
36) good music (no more Bollywood…please)
37) Thai food
38) people of all different kinds of cultures and ethnicities
39) people who wear deodorant (IMMM SORRY IT’S TRUEEE)
40) good shopping
41) doing laundry without the fear of my clothes ever getting ruined
42) being able to wear white
43) no more traffic
45) no more playing connect the dots with mosquito bites
46) no humidity
47) cafe lalo’s
48) American tv
49) being able to walk down a street without being stared at like a piece of bait
50) the hustle and bustle busy life I live in NYC :)
I know I haven’t blogged at all this trip, but there’s not that much to write about since I don’t particularly do anything at all here but work. I’ve been trying to appreciate my time here and pretty much just opening myself up to lots of new and different situations. India really has been one hell of an eye opening trip and I’ve learned a lot about myself here in almost every way. Traveling really does widen your perspective on everything and I’m blessed to get the chance to do it a lot. I’ve learned something new every single time but I’ve realized throughout this trip and my internship here that I’m actually seriously growing up… And it’s kind of really overwhelming.
As much as I don’t like India and as hard as it was to get adjusted, I’m really glad I decided to take this trip and work here. It’s actually been a blessing in disguise and I’ve learned a lot. Call me a weird over emotional freak for what I’m about to go into, but I just feel like there’s a lot I need to let out.
I’m across the world in a different country but I’ve learned so much about my life back home. My friends, my family, my lifestyle, just everything. People are walking in and out of my life like its their job and it’s really overwhelming but coming to India for a month and a half has put a lot into place and stopped a lot of the walking in and out. I’ve grown distant from a LOT of people I used to be the closest of friends with for reasons I don’t actually know why but india’s put a lot into perspective as to who’s there and who’s not. I think I’ve finally grasped the concept that I’m growing up, and people are going to walk in and out of my life and I need to accept that sometimes even the closest of friends change and things happen. I mean it really did hurt, and I had my fair share of being upset but I know what I do and don’t deserve. And you know how they say there’s always some good to some bad? Yeah well I’ve pretty much gotten that down as well. Although some of the people who used to be the closest to me have grown distant I’m also the luckiest girl in this world to have some of the friends I do. I don’t really know who reads this blog, but to all my friends back home who’ve actually made even the smallest of efforts to keep in touch with me this path month and a half, thank you. I really truly appreciate it and it genuinely means a lot. Call me a sappy freak, but i can’t begin to put into words how lucky you guys make me feel. Im forreal blessed to have friends like you guys in my life and despite all the old lost friendships, you guys make it all worth it and have helped me realize who’s really there and who isnt. You know that whole cliche and stupid “leave and see who comes back?” I get it now. I really get it. I’m done brooding over people who don’t bother to keep in touch or distant friendships. I have a lot of other good people and friends in my life and I don’t need to keep people in my life who don’t bother, no matter how close we were at a point. I’m growing up, I’m maturing, and I’m realizing what I deserve and what I don’t.
I also don’t really understand how I ever thought being spotted with my family was a complete catastrophe. Throwing myself into a foreign country where I actually don’t have that much family here has really put a lot into perspective. I’m realizing that my parents, my sister, my cousins, my uncles and aunts are the most loving, forgiving, dependable, and caring individuals I know. I enjoy having them around and crave for time with them. I feel terrible for all the past years of constant bickering and fighting and arguing. But I guess that’s also a part of growing up right? I don’t rush my mother off the phone anymore, I value my dads advice, just little things like that. I’m not that obnoxious teenager anymore who wants nothing to do with their family, I really am growing up.
I know this is already probably a novel and a half but just one more thing to touch upon on India itself. I talked about this briefly in my last post how reality just kind of slapped me in the face here, but it really is so true. As “laid back” everything is here, life in India is actually really REALLY hard and I truly commend everyone who lives here. They don’t get the luxuries we live with and it’s made me appreciate everything I have at home. India really does test your patience and my patience has sure as hell been tested a number of times. But I’ve really grown to appreciate a lot I have underestimated at home and there are too many times to count where indias made me feel like a spoiled American brat. I’m really glad I’ve come here no matter how hard I thought it was. I don’t take the smallest of things for granted anymore and I know I won’t back home either. I understand the value of family, the value of friends, the value of money, the value of a home, the value of a car, just everything. Happiness doesn’t mean living a life of luxuries, happiness comes from a combination of the smaller things. I get it, I really get it, I really AM growing up.
Well on that note I’m gonna end this novel here. As much as I’ve learned I’m craving to come back home. I cannot wait for food that’s not going to make me sick (aka a good big fat American cheeseburger, I’m clearly a great Hindu) and fresh CLEAN air that’s NOT filled with carbon dioxide. I swear I’m not a spoiled American brat, I’ve just learned to appreciate the united states of America as well (lol…..k Sanaya)
Okay phew long post I should probably get back to my actual job now before my bosses see this and kill me, adieu for now :)
Its awesome to hear about your experience in India. Sounds like it is tough out there but you sound like you are in full control. I have known you for a few years now. It all started when we bumped into each other at Chong Nonsi station right before your senior year when you were taking SAT lessons. Reading your blog just made me think to myself of how much you have grown as a person (and this is not me saying Motu). Your parents, sister, and especially myself are real proud of you. Keep it up!
aaawwwww youre so sillyyy im not motu haha :( but thank you so much, youre gonna come visit me right? come fast!!
wow it’s really been a while since i have written and blogged and i think im gonna start it up again especially since im traveling.
so as you all know i came for the summer to india to work for 2 months, which is quite a long time considering i dont particurlarly enjoy this country a lot haha. india is truly a worlds apart difference from thailand which is literally home to me. i had a really REALLLY rough start coming to this country. 2 days in and i was already crying and throwing tantrums to leave, which now i look back and feel absolutely terrible about. i’m not a spoiled brat i promise, just the adjustment process was really difficult.
it’s been exactly a week since i’ve been here, i got 7 more weeks to go and i think i can finally say i’m fully adjusted. i dont really know how to explain it but india’s really different for an NRI who hasn’t been in this country for 11 years. i know this may be stupid and really cliche but i’m taking this trip as one big learning process. india’s really tested my patience in every single possible way and i’ve come to appreciate and respect a LOT that i have underestimated.
i know this is weird, but it’s only been a week in and i’m kind of already proud of myself for everything i’ve done here. my family here have the been the people who have raised me from the minute i was born and it’s only right that i do spend as much time with them and give back as much i can. i’m not trying to sound like mother teresa, i just feel like a terrible/horrendous/horrible/vile human being for neglecting my family here for so long after being so caught up with a life back in america and summers in thailand. i know i’m not the little girl they ran around the house chasing with the dog anymore, but i hope they know i really do love them a lot despite all the lost time. i’m starting to really appreciate even the smallest of things, like my very VERY old grandpa who went out of his way to walk ALL the way to the store just to get 3 small boxes of tic tac for me because he thought id need it. i know i probably sound like a fool and i dont even know why i’m tearing right now i just feel absolutely terrible about all the lost time. i truly grew up really fast… and they truly grew old very fast as well. they really love me a lot with that endless forever kinda love and i just hope i make it clear to them with the time that i have that i really love and appreciate them as much as they love me.
india’s given me a real reality check that i’m kind of really glad i got now. life back at home is literally handed to me on a plate. i live in a dream city that people would die to live in, i go to a dream school, i have an amazing family and a beautiful house with SO many luxuries i really have underestimated. coming completely alone to india and living and throwing myself into a world where i dont have as many luxuries as i have at home was definitely one hell of a wake up call. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of my life at home and i dont know why but i feel really really truly terrible about it after coming here. i really hope that i can go back home and be a lot more appreciative of the life i live there.
i hope to make mummy and papa really proud of me this time. i don’t want to let my family down.
on another note, sorry for the essay. but it’s good to be back and blogging. tooodles for now i’m excited to blog more stories and experiences :)
Remember when we used to be married and then you said I left you for Batman and I didn't really because I love you and I think we should get married
YOU LEFT ME AND GOT MARRIED THE NEXT DAY. prepostorous!
holy shit how are u not on a dance team right now?! U ARE INSANE.
hahahahaha thankk you!!!
girl, i am so happy for you. reading your old posts & your most recent one i feel like i've accompanied you on your journey. i am so ecstatic you're back writing. sana, if i could sit here & make a list on why you are the most inspirational person my list would go on forever. your happiness shines & brightens the world & your blog has been an inspiration to many so please don't stop. you are so beautiful. i love you so much & i hope nothing but good comes your way, you deserve the world. -love A
aww i love you SO muchh thank you so muchh. hahahahahah nishiee yourr signature is likee a pretty little liars note.. except without the “love.” SORRY i had to. okay but i love you and yess, im not gonna stop writing anytime soonn :)
i sort of died on tumblr and blogging and i know i keep saying i really wanna start it again so im gonna try to start blogging more. and by blogging more i mean the way i used to when i was traveling :) prenote to anybody reading this post, it’s going to be SUPER long (i think…) and maybe a little emotional so if youre not into that kind of stuff, dont read it.
as many of you guys who read my posts probably know, i went through a very rough time in my life end of freshman year, camp, and the beginning of summer. i don’t want people to feel like im “bragging” about what i went through, but i truly hit a very very low point in my life where i was going through extreme depression. i had used my summer and my travels to better myself and find the happiness i lost. i know this is really weird and cliche and cheesy, but since i’m turning 20 in literally 24 hours i’ve been doing so much reflecting on my past and who i am now as to what i was before.
one of my last text posts was a rant on how what brought me down the most was that i cared too much about what people thought of me. i cared about what the world thought of me so much to a point where i ended up hurting myself in the end. i had a really emotional heart to heart today with a really close friend (love you so much anisha!) where i went through all of it with her and almost put myself to tears a few times. going back through and talking about everything still hits home everytime, but i can’t help but also look back and look at how much i have matured and changed. i’ve had my fair share of facing a few hurdles these past few weeks, but i can already feel/see myself dealing with everything with a completely different perspective. whenever something bad happens, i always now tell myself to stop, take a step back, count your blessings and look at how much good i have going for me instead. i’ve matured and evolved so much, i look back and i can’t help it, but i’m so proud of myself. i know i deserve to be happy and nobody’s going to stop me from getting it. literally.. nobody. and you know what’s the best part? i couldn’t give a two bit SHIT about the world thinks anymore. i know that’s really weird and kind of bizarre, but it’s the best thing i have EVER taught myself to do. nobody can get in between me and my happiness, and if not giving a shit about certain things makes me a bitch, then so be it. i’m happy and i’m going to live my life the way i want to. i’ve grown distant from a lot of people i used to be very close to, but i still dont give a shit. i know that sounds a little shallow, but im focusing on the good in my life and the fact that i’ve actually learned how to do that amazes me. im just so proud. im proud of myself.
i’m going a little off topic, but the point of this post was that if i can learn to be happy, then so can you. it breaks my heart to see people who are going through a rough time in their life only focusing on the bad. so to all those people reading this post, this is all for you. i’ve learned so much from my life and my experience that i just wanted to share what i concluded about everything:
even though letting go of the bad is the hardest thing to do in this world, it teaches you so much. happiness won’t come until you yourself find the strength in you to find it. it’s the hardest and most difficult thing to do in this world to pick up from something tragic, trust me i know it is, but it’s all happening to you for a reason. I believe that life is about finding out what is right and wrong, trying and failing, and winning and losing. these are things that happen as often as you inhale and exhalfe. failure, heartbreak and hitting your all time lows are so abundant and so necessary in life, it teaches you how to grow, how to become strong, how to pick up and how to make yourself an overall better person. genuine happiness comes from within. count your blessings, look at how blessed you are to live the life you live, to have the family you have, to the school you go to, to the pets you own, to the friends you’ve developed relationships with, and just to the life you are blessed to have. learn to appreciate, learn to love, put your guards down a little more, take risks, enjoy. i’ve learned to love myself and to create only positive energy around me. i know it’s so hard to, but if i can do it i know you can.
im sorry this is really long, but for the first time in a very very long time i feel genuinely happy. i’m absolutely blessed to live the life i live and i thank God everyday for it.
““Most of us know that laughter is the most effective medicine to life’s aches and pain. However most of us don’t know that the most effective kind of laughter is laughter over self. Cause you then don’t simply become happy… you become free.”
on that note, happy 20th birthday to me :)
i’ve never cried in a video, wow.